(classical music plays)
Captain Stede: Here we are.
Why, thank you.
Mm. Oh, that's perfect. You got it just right.
I know. A dollop of milk and seven sugars.
It wouldn't be the same with six. (chuckles)
So, what's on the agenda for today?
Don't know. I thought I might just sharpen the old sword.
-Prepare for the next adventure. -The next adventure?
I can't stay around here forever.
-Besides, a ship has only one captain. -Roach: Captain!
-Yes? -Yes?
Oh, sorry, that's, uh, my bad. Your ship.
Who are we saying is Captain right now?
-Me. -Him.
Right. Captain, bad news--
Hold that thought, will you?
Hey, listen, don't feel as though you need
to rush out on my account.
I mean, we're all enjoying your company here.
Mate, I know, I know. Me too.
Uh, just, you know, I've stayed longer than I figured I would,
and... I just wasn't built for sittin' idle, man.
-Roach: Uhh, Captain? -What is it, man?
-We're out of oranges. -This is the emergency?
Eat an apple, for God's sake!
No, the thing is, we really needed the oranges...
to treat the scurvy.
Scurvy? Who has scurvy?
Uh, hello?
My teeth keep falling out.
Is that normal?
(classical harpsichord playing)
So, apparently, we've run out of oranges.
Uh, yeah, no shit, and in case you haven't noticed,
the Swede has scurvy.
We don't know that it's scurvy.
-Ay, ay, ay. Don't breathe over me, man. -(Wee John gags)
-Go sit-- -I just said we don't know that it's--
-Go sit over there. -(all complaining)
Captain Stede: All right, back to the oranges.
Look, I hate to toss anyone under the carriage,
but it does seem like bad meal planning.
Hey! There was that cake you had me make with the 40-orange glaze.
You wasted 40 oranges on cake?
On the glaze! Plus, another 10 for the cake itself.
-All: What?! -All right, stop going on about your cakes.
Barely tasted of orange, if that's any consolation.
Let's just accept the fact that,
due to Roach's immoderate use of the citrus...
we now have to go grocery shopping.
St. Augustine's full of oranges,
-and we're right near there. -Captain Stede: Oh, anything
exciting to do there?
Maybe, something might impress
a world-weary, adventuring type?
No! It's boring and awful, and the humidity?
Do you understand what that'll do to your hair?
So?
-What? -Captain Stede: I'll wear a hat.
Are anyone else's fingernails falling off?
-Oh my god. -Is that your fingernail?
Right! St. Augustine it is.
(classical music playing)
(Spanish guitar playing)
Oluwande: So, you gonna tell me?
-Qué te pasa? -Are you really not gonna tell me?
-Tell you what? -Why you're scared to go to St. Augustine.
-I'm not scared of St. Augustine. -No?
You had a pretty strong reaction just then.
-No, I didn't. -Captain Stede: Jackpot!
Roach: Oh, thank god! You found the oranges?
Ahh, no.
Bad luck on that front, I'm afraid.
Apparently, there's a blight.
Not a single orange to be found.
But I may have got something even better.
Lucius, tell them what I've got.
It's a treasure map.
A treasure map!
Come on, it took me 40 minutes
of intense bargaining to get this.
The vendor wasn't gonna sell it to me,
but I managed to sweet talk her.
By giving her a lot of money.
Like, more money than I've ever seen in my life.
Alright, come on. Calm down.
It was an investment, and we'll recoup
once we find the loot.
So... go fetch my shovel,
the nice one in the glass cabinet.
W-Wait, what? What about the oranges?
Still on with the oranges?
-Really? -What?
Black Pete: Excuse me.
I don't mind saving the day on this one, Captain.
Why don't I take a few men
out on reconnaissance, see what we can't rustle up.
Oh, that's surprisingly helpful of you, Black Pete.
-Thank you. -Just make sure Blackbeard hears about it.
I think Jim should do it.
You know, seeing as though they're from here.
-I never said that. -Yeah, you don't say a lot.
Right, fine, whatever. Go with Jim.
I've got an amazing day to plan.
Tell Blackbeard I took initiative.
This was my mission!
It's still yours. I'm not going.
-Cálmate. -Does anyone have a little baggy?
I'm saving my teeth, so I can put them back in.
Uh, yeah, thing is, Swede,
teeth don't work like that.
Once they're out...
they don't go back in.
Jim, please help! Please get more oranges!
The teeth don't go back in!
-Go for a run, Swede. -Ahh! They don't go back in!
Read it and weep, my friend. Adventure awaits.
Look, mate, I hate to be a downer, but...
people just don't bury treasure. It's just not done.
-Well, why make a map? -He's saying the map's not real.
What? Course, it's real!
Look at it. Tatty edges. It's burnt.
It's been around, it's seen things.
If it were real, why would she have sold it to you?
Why not keep the map herself,
and find the treasure herself?
Oh, strong question. Love that.
Well, maybe she's just lazy.
I mean, she works down at the dock selling maps, for God's sake.
Best of luck to you, mate. I'm taking a nap.
Last I heard, a ship only has one captain,
and the captain of this vessel says, "On your feet!"
We're having a day... once I've changed.
-Is he always this highly strung? -Yeah.
What?
I can't believe you made me do this.
You have no idea how much I hate it here.
Exactly! I don't know because you don't tell me anything
because you're weirdly and freakishly secretive, Jim.
No, I'm not. I'm normal secretive.
Jim, Jim, I've known you for over a year.
I didn't know you were from St. Augustine.
I don't even know what your favorite color is.
-What's that got to do with anything? -Everything!
We're friends.
Friends tell each other these kind of things.
Teal. My favorite color is teal.
Who are you?
I should be leading this mission.
It's more of a chore than a mission, to be fair.
See, I think the main thing is you're...
-bad at leadership. -And Jim isn't?
They just started talking.
Yeah, but Jim's the kind of person where if they stabbed me,
I'd be like, "Yeah, probably deserved it."
Ah, I would love to be stabbed by Jim.
Uh, guys? Think we're all set.
(laughs) Boom!
-Oranges! Found 'em. -Wait. No, we don't want those!
-Yes! -We don't want-- Stop!
Hey, hey! Drop the orange!
Well, well, well.
Someone looks a little silly right now.
Jealous much?
Those are off limits. We'll go somewhere else.
Why? 'Cause it's a church?
What are they?
Christ's oranges?
(pirate laughs)
Sí...
Is there a problem?
Now, that was incredibly badass, especially for a nun.
Don't kill us, Sister. I'm in the tribe.
Yes, just joined.
Jim: Nana.
(speaking Spanish)
-Nana: Bonifacia. -I go by Jim these days.
-Well, come in, Jim. We'll have cake. -Nana?
-Bet you think this is hilarious. -This is fuckin' fascinating.
That's your nan. Jesus. Coming, Nana!
I'm coming for some cake!
So, we're either here, or possibly down here.
-Why're you hiding your face? -I'm freakin' Blackbeard, man.
-I can't be seen treasure hunting. -Oh, come on.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
No one's gonna recognize you.
Hey, Blackbeard! Treasure, treasure hunting.
Shut the fuck up, okay? I'm not Blackbeard.
-Okay. -Oh, dear.
Fuck off! Get outta here! Move.
Right... I'll be hiding over there by that tree
whenever you decide wherever the fuck it is we're going.
Captain Stede: Right. Won't be long!
Now look, we're gonna have fun today,
and that's an order.
You can't really order people to have fun.
Well, I just did.
Guys like Blackbeard, they live for adventure.
It's like nourishment for them.
So, we're gonna have an extremely fun,
memorable, deeply cool adventure.
Now, do I have your support on that?
-Yeah, okay. -Okay, good.
(laughs)
Bonifacia once bit a priest's finger off!
-What?! -(Nana laughs)
Aye. We thought they were feral.
-Aye, the priest swore... that he'd die of rabies. -(Oluwande laughs)
Well, he didn't, did he?
No, he died years later. He was-- Oh!
-(laughing) -What? What? What?
-He was crushed by a tree. -(laughing)
Ha-ha. Wow. Dark humor over here.
Life is pain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It kind of is though, isn't it?
(speaking Spanish)
(Jim groans)
Ohh.
Muy bien. Aye, muy, muy bien.
-(Nana laughing) -Oluwande: You bit a priest.
Nana: And the rest of them?
The ones... that are fixing my wall, huh?
Black Pete: What are you stopping for?
Eh! (claps) Hurry up!
-Jim: They're just a bunch of idiots. -Nana: Ah, figures.
Who else would agree to get paid...
-with oranges? -(laughing)
Oluwande: Only Pete.
(flies buzzing)
-Fuck off, flies! -They're not that bad.
They really are full of blood, though, aren't they?
Like little flying grapes.
(gasps, chokes) I think I just swallowed one!
At least you got lunch. I'm fuckin' starving.
Captain Stede: Guys! Come quick! I've found something!
Dryocampa Rubicunda,
or the candied melon silk moth.
A very rare specimen.
See? We're already finding stuff.
Great, you found a bug. Cheers.
And who says treasure maps are useless?
I wasn't being sarcastic, that's just how I talk.
Oh, laugh all you want...
but without the map, we wouldn't have found this little guy,
so it's already paying dividends.
Suppose it is pretty interesting, for an insect.
-(flies buzzing) -Fuck off!
Fuck this. I'm goin' back to the ship.
Oh, come on! We're having fun!
You know what your problem is?
You just have no idea how to relax!
Does he, Lucius?
I mean, you are kind of intense,
like... all of the time.
No, I'm not.
I know how to relax.
See? I'm actually quite relaxed right now.
(hissing)
-Oh, fuck off! -(Lucius yelling)
Fuck you! Fuckin', fuckin' nature! Fuck off!
Fucking... little... mother... fucking... snake!
Fuck you!
(grunting)
Die!
(groans)
According to the map, there are snakes in this area,
so... just be careful.
-Hmm... Mmm. -Mmm.
Admit it. This is a bit of fun, isn't it?
Yep. The snake's nice.
It's actually really well tenderized.
You could be a chef.
Probably could. Maybe I will.
I can do anything.
I'd come to your restaurant.
Well, you might not get in.
It's gonna be very popular.
You'd save me a seat, wouldn't you?
Maybe...
If you weren't being a dick.
What night do you wanna come?
-Saturday night. -That's a busy night.
I'll come on the Monday.
Okay. I can probably get you in.
It's called Blackbeard's Bar and Grill
and Other Delicacies...
and Delights... and Fishing Equipment.
Yeah, but who wants to go to dinner, and then you walk past
all this fishing gear that you can buy.
Maybe a gift shop out the back.
Then you can say, "Oh, hope you enjoyed your meal.
Have you seen the gift shop?"
Blackbeard: What do they say?
"Oh, no thanks. I've just come for a nice meal."
That's, aw-- Then now, they're angry.
-No! -They're gonna leave a bad review.
Another guy from the other side of the room might go,
"Oh, I'm into gifts. I'll go and have a look."
Ah yeah, well, that's the guy I'm after.
I want him to come.
-Who's he? -That's me.
Aww!
Ooh, you've got a...
little bit in your beard.
Oh.
No, come to the-- Down a bit.
Just up, up a little bit.
To the, to the left.
Here, I'll get it.
Oh my god, this is happening.
-What? -What?
Lucius: Nothing.
More snake?
Captain Stede: Blackbeard's Snakery.
-That's your specialty. -Blackbeard: It's a Snakery Snackery.
-Captain Stede: Snake Snacks. -Blackbeard: Ooh, Snake Snack.
Captain Stede: "Want a Snake Snack?" "Yes, please."
(Spanish guitar playing)
Glad to see the form I taught you is still excellent.
So, is there any prayer here, too,
or is it just knife work?
Please, don't get her started.
This child was not raised to kneel,
or to turn the other cheek.
I taught them how to be silent...
stealthy enough to stalk mice.
Patience.
Let it fully reveal itself,
and then... strike.
(squeaking)
I taught them to kill,
to butcher.
And after many years of practice,
Bonifacia... was ready.
(flies buzzing)
-Ready? For what? -To take their revenge!
-Revenge for their bloodline. -Revenge for my bloodline.
-Revenge for the meek. -Jim: Revenge for the meek.
-God's divine revenge. -God's divine revenge.
Okay.
The Jimenez family
was killed by a roving gang of mercenaries:
The Siete Gallos.
Seven of the most dangerous and brutal killers
this land has ever seen.
Tell me, my child.
Did you hunt them down?
Did you slaughter them?
Did you have them beg... like dogs for the mercy
they did not... show your family?
Sí, sí, Nana. I got oodles of revenge.
Details.
Do we have to do this right now?
If not now, when?
Tell me, how many of the Siete Gallos live?
I, I don't know. Eh, six?
Unless some of them died of other things.
One?
You just killed one of them?
The only one that mattered...
Alfeo De La Vaca.
You just killed...
one of them.
Yeah, but Jim used the family dagger,
which... I thought was a pretty nice touch.
I was there. He was...
He was very surprised.
(speaking Spanish)
Oluwande: Jim.
(knife thwacks)
I'm gonna try and undo some of the...
damage from that interaction.
Jim!
There's still a few scraps that didn't completely burn.
Ah, give it up, Stede.
All adventures have a natural conclusion,
and this one's more than fitting.
No, I think I can fix this.
Come on, the day's not fully ruined.
God, he'll probably be moping all the way back to the ship.
You don't have to be a dick about it.
-What? -I said, "Don't be a dick."
Okay? 'Cause he's put together this whole outing for you.
For me? Why?
Look, you're very cool,
and you wear leather, okay,
so maybe you won't understand this,
but everyone is worried all of the time
whether they're interesting or adventurous enough for you.
And that bizarre little man over there likes you very much,
and you like him.
And if you can't get over yourself
long enough to realize that,
you're gonna end up another
leather-clad, middle-aged sad sack
dying alone in a puddle of his own piss.
You can stab me in the face now.
Oh...
It's hopeless.
We might as well head back to the ship.
You were right. It's a stupid idea. I...
I don't know why we're here.
I'm actually a little disappointed.
I was startin' to have fun.
That little bit there on that
little scrappy bit of paper,
that looks like a tree, doesn't it, boy?
Yeah, no, definitely. It does to me.
And the, the other little squiggly bit.
-What's that look like? -Yeah, like a, a-- Like a...
-...river or a road. -Road. R-R-Road or a river.
Maybe, yeah. Clear as day, mm.
You know what?
I think, just with this little bit here,
we could probably sort this out.
-Yeah? -They're all the pieces we need.
Plus, the rest of the map was,
basically, just blank space anyway.
Hm, shall I prepare the shovel, or...
Uh, well, we didn't come all this way to not dig something up.
Right!
That's the spirit.
Okay.
This way...
I think.
Come on!
-That was very sweet. -Don't...
or I will stab you in your fuckin' face.
Yeah, absolutely. Of course. 100%.
Wait for me.
Oluwande: There you are.
How'd you find me?
Well, I just...
I just followed a trail of twigs...
and footprints.
I've seen you get lost on the ship sometimes.
Yeah. Where are we?
That's my tree.
My parents planted it when I was born.
This was my family's land, and that's where I grew up.
This is where it all happened.
-(chickens clucking) -(laughing)
Jim: One day...
a stranger showed up.
(light music playing)
(speaking Spanish)
I will.
♪ ♪
Jim: I don't remember the rest.
Must've blacked it out.
When I came to, I was in the woods holding this.
My father's knife.
I was... out there for weeks before anyone could find me.
Christ...
Jim, that's awful, man.
Look, for what it's worth...
you're surprisingly well-adjusted for a...
orphan raised by a nun to be a killing machine.
(scoffs)
She's a lot.
But she's my only family.
Well, look...
if you wanted...
I could be family. I just--
♪ ♪
Captain Stede: You sure this is the right tree?
-Lucius: Yeah, definitely. -Blackbeard: Oh, undoubtedly, mate.
Lucius: It looks just like the one off the map.
Plus, pirates are always burying stuff at the base of trees.
See, now I feel like you're just patronizing me.
-Uh, guys. -What are you doing to my family's tree?
Oh, hey! Good timing.
I'm just about to unearth some treasure.
We, uh...
we're just letting him dig for a bit.
-Get it out of his system. -I found something!
What do you think it could be?
-It's a rock. -A rock, I imagine.
Lucius, come help!
Okay, I'm literally the only person here with a wooden finger,
-but, uh, sure! -Too late!
I've got it.
(exhales)
-I think it's a rock. -(all agree)
Yeah, sorry, mate. That's usually how these things go.
Just end up finding a rock, or a dried-up piece of shit.
Well, I guess the real treasure
was our day spent together, am I right?
Lucius...
we spend every day together.
Treasure is the real treasure.
Hey, look at that.
It's an orange.
-Hm. -Petrified.
It's a petrified orange.
Old tree still had some fruit to give after all.
I suppose you should have it.
It's your land.
It's cool. Finders keepers.
Oh, thank god. I didn't want to give it to you.
I think this is my new favorite thing.
Okay! Back to the boat.
I told you I took that lady down at the docks for a ride, didn't I, Lucius?
Lucius: You sure did, boss. You sure did.
Yo.
You're not coming?
I can't.
Nana was right.
I have to finish the job.
Not for her, for me.
Be careful.
You know me.
Yeah, that's why I'm saying be careful.
♪ ♪
(all groaning)
Nana: Vamos.
The Swede will be happy with these.
If he has any teeth left.
Nana: Adiós.
(sighs)
Where is Bonifacia?
Gone.
Said they're to finish the job.
(speaking Spanish)
(somber music playing)
♪ ♪
Captain Stede: It really is the perfect paperweight.
And this really is the perfect brandy.
-Plenty more where that came from. -Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
You know, Ed...
I don't know if I, uh...
well...
agree that...
-a ship can only have one captain. -Mm.
Yes, well...
I suppose if you found the absolutely
two perfect people...
then they could potentially...
-Co-captain? -...co-captain.
(chuckling)
We said the same thing.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
Izzy: Bonnet comes along, and he's like,
"Oh, Oh, Blackbeard, I really love-- I love the way you dress.
I love the way your hair, your beard, and all that."
I tell ya, I would've ripped his fuckin' head off.
And I would have had him, too, I would have had him--
(marching footsteps)
I don't like havin' their kind in my establishment.
If it makes you feel any better, they hate it, too.
Well, this is quaint... ly awful.
Let's make this quick.
So, you're Spanish Jackie?
Yeah.
Are you Spanish?
No.
-So, why do they call you Spanish Jackie? -I don't know.
A little bird has told us that you've got it in for Stede Bonnet.
So do we.
He broke my nose jar,
and one of his crew murdered my favorite husband.
I didn't follow any of that.
-And you? -Bonnet...
done something to my boss's brain.
Who is this chump to you?
This chump...
-...killed my brother. -Is that a fuckin' cat?
We can serve Stede Bonnet up to you... for a price.
(tense music playing)
Name it.
("Cobra" by Bailey's Nervous Kats playing)
♪ ♪